If time has proven anything it is that Ponce de León was way off mark. Aside from the bikinis washed upon the shoreline of Miami the closest thing to a Fountain of Youth in Florida has big mouse ears on it. Those cars with the New York plates? Those people aren't young, Ponce.

No, the Fountain of Youth can be found on me -- on my face to be exact. You see, I'm closer to 40 30 than I have any right being, and yet I have enough blemishes and pimples to be invited to prom or tested for steroids. Sure, it's kind of fun being the guy that can buy beer at the dance, but testifying before Congress? That's lame.

That's why I tried Advantage Acne Spot Treatment by Clean & Clear. It is a salicylic acid acne medication. Yeah, that doesn't mean anything to me either. However, it also claims, right on the tube, that it "won't overdry skin," which is good. The only thing worse than having a big pimple on your face is having a big pimple on your lizard face. That's awkward.

All I know is that it works. Fast. I've got a tux to rent and a corsage to buy. I can't afford to worry about my complexion.