Is Eva Longoria Parker "fat," as she's been calling herself, or pregnant? We're going to with -- neither option. Gaining 5 pounds isn't a reason a woman to start labeling herself as overweight, and it shouldn't be an excuse for the media to start tossing the term preggo around either.

What this dress is, however, is unflattering. It hides all her lovely curves and makes her look like a shiny, gold, old lady...box. Sure that's great if it's sitting on your dresser and containing all your grandma's nicest pieces of expensive jewelry, but we don't think "shiny, gold, old lady, boxy," are typically adjectives that women aim for when getting dressed in the morning.

And the frumpy, overworked desperate housewife hair has got to go. Mrs. Parker is not normally frumpy, and we're also highly doubting that she's overworked. At the very least, she had time to get her booty to the salon and have that bird's nest tamed into something more sleek and age appropriate -- unless of course she's trying to tell us something. That 'do just screams, "I'm maternal -- oh so very mom'ish! Look at me! There's a tiny Tony inside me!"

In which case, message received, Eva, loud and clear.