By now you've heard the earth-shattering/totally-expected news that Madonna is really, truly leaving Guy Ritchie this time. Some people may be scratching their heads and asking why, but we can offer some insight into The Most Dramatic Event of the Week.

Based on our fierce love of Madonna and obsessive study of her life, we believe the Ciccone - Ritchie split is due to a combination of these ten reasons:

1. She hates his new movie, RocknRolla, because it's not about her even though he promised
2. What she thought was the kids bringing home lice turned out to be the 7 year itch
3. A-Rod's rod is bigger than Guy Ritchie's riches
4. She perfected her "Sexy Skeleton" look in time for Halloween and plans to find a new husband among the undead
5. Now that Lindsay Lohan's made it safe to be gay, Madonna can finally go back to her first love, Sandra Bernhard
6. She could no longer live the lie of that bad fake English accent
7. Guy was always stealing her pointy bra
8. With four minutes to save the world, she just doesn't have time listen to him explain those convoluted movie plots
9. She was tired of beating him at arm wrestling
10. Getting rid of Guy is the first step of Madonna's master plan to steal the uber-cougar crown from Demi by enslaving Zac Efron, and drinking Vanessa Hudgens blood

Bonus reason: You would leave after the disaster of Swept Away, too!

Come on, everyone can play! Help the world understand this terrible tragedy by leaving your reasons in the comments.