As anyone who saw Tom Cruise's
freaky, possessed-by-aliens recruiting video is well aware, there's a hot new world religion -- and it's
stealing money from followed by an ever-increasing list of top notch celebrities. Unfortunately, some of you may be constrained by the rules of your boring, old-school faith (or just your sanity) to fully embrace the ideals of Scientology, and accept that aliens are coming to whisk you away to magical land of intergalactic fancy. But never fear, with a few simple modifications to your appearance, you can get in on the Scientology trend by dressing the part.
Step 1: Look sharp. From Tom Cruise, to John Travolta, to Danny Masterson, every member of the "Church" of Scientology is dressed to impress the cosmos whenever they're in public. That means well-trimmed facial fuzz (or clean-shaven), neatly-cropped (or at least well-kept) hair, and fitted, no-frills clothing. Remember, you're on a mission to keep humanity from destroying itself -- look like you care, please.
Step 2: Grow a porn star stache This may only apply to younger members of the church, as senior members like Tom Cruise and John Travolta have opted to shave. That said, it's possible that once you reach a certain status, you're required to drink weird blue liquid from Neptune that prevents your body from producing facial hair, and thus younger members don 70s cop mustaches out of respect for their furless elders. But that's only a theory.
Step 3: Cultivate a creepy, "I might be a robot" expression Potentially a challenge, considering you, unlike your celebrity counterparts, probably aren't a trained actor. Yet, it's essential that you master the Scientology stare if you're going to be believable. You're looking for big, warm smiles coupled with a dead, yet determined look in your eye that suggests there's someone else behind the wheel.
Master these steps, and you'll be the envy of your friends/the galaxy at large.
